This time I'm not giving up

Querying

2009-08-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

In the interest of moving forward with my writing career I have polished my favorite manuscript and I am about to start querying agents. Wish me luck!

Time flies when you're....

2008-09-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

...weaning a 5 week old kitten! I haven't written in ages!

Wyatt is doing pretty good! We're still having some diarrhea issues even on the meds for it so I think I'm going to do ANOTHER fecal flotation on Monday. This will make poopoo check number FOUR for him, the previous three clean. I guess I'll look even harder for coccidia GR.

On friday after work I had to go grocery shopping so I left him at the hospital for the 1/2 hour I was gone and when I came to pick him up he was sleeping in a little ball in his towels and he wouldn't wake up to come to me. I called his name, I rubbed his back and all he'd do was shake and bury his head! I was so worried so I took him into one of the exam rooms and took his temp...103.4!!! OMG!! So I called the doctor and he had me make up some amoxicillin drops (its the pink stuff we all took when we were kids!) and bring him back the next day to check his temp. (It was normal yesterday THANK GOD!)

The poor baby felt SO bad friday night. He just laid in the corner and shook the whole night, I couldn't even get him to take a bottle!! So before I went to bed, around 2am!, I put some canned food in his cage and went to bed. Around 3:30am or 4am, he woke me up crying and he'd eaten all his food! I was so happy because I'd been SO worried.

The last kitten I fostered died around 4-5 weeks and it was just heart breaking. His name was Calvin Meeps and I called him Meepers! He was such a sweetie. He had congenital heart defects and his lungs were adhered to the wall of his chest in a manner that made it impossible for him to breathe :o( We had to euthanize him because he was in such distress and there wasn't anything we could do :o(

^^^^Thats him someone found him in a Chuck E. Cheese parking loot and brought him in. He was soooo skinny and covered in a nasty fungal infection. I got the infection almost totally cleared up and made the last week or so of his life much better but I was still devastated.

So going through these scares with Wyatt just made me feel like I didn't really want to do foster kittens anymore. I'm so sleep deprived STILL and I just can't wait until he's old enough to go to his new furever home. I love him to death, but its so difficult. Its just as bad as when Bella's sick!

Who needs sleep...right?

2008-09-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

I got the new kitten a week ago today, so he's approximately 3 weeks old now. When I got him his eyes were not even open all the way, neither were his ear and as of this weekend he's starting to play, staying awake after his meals, and today he even drank about a table spoon of formula from a saucer. Only the one time though, the second time I tried to give him a saucer he just threw a fit!! He weighs 8 1/2 oz, so just half a pound!

He is SO cute! I don't have my camera this weekend (left it at work!) but he's just a tiny little tuxedo boy. All black with white up to his hocks on his back legs, only his fingers are white on the front and his belly and chest along with a teeeeny white strip going from his chest up to his chin and into his mouth. The rest is black except his whiskers and ear hairs. I found this picture on google, so its not him, but to give you an idea:

He is SO darn cute! I named him Wyatt and he is a MAJOR stinker, but such a sweetheart! The other kitten, she's about 6 1/2 weeks old now, (the tortie) is getting along nicely, no longer really feral at all, and she'll start living at the hospital tomorrow. She's ready to find her forever home! How exciting! Bella will be pleased!!

Life for me has been the absolute polar opposite of exciting for the past week. Up until Friday night I was up every 2 hours bottle feeding Wyatt and sleeping for only 2 hours at a time (when it takes me a good 15-20min to fall asleep!) is not conducive to a happy well rested me! Now hes teething so he's sleeping poorly and wanting to chew on the nipple rather than have the bottle and its so darn frustrating! I'll say one thing about infant kittens though: EXCELLENT BIRTH CONTROL. I can't WAIT until he's eating completely on his own so I can get some freakin' rest!! I adore him though...

Exhausting work!

2008-08-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Three main things going on in my life this weekend.

1.) Went to Stillwater for dinner with Jen and Sashley, the new receptionist. It was loads of fun, even though neither Sash nor I liked our dinner at all! The fries were excellent though, as always. We laughed loudly through most of the meal and at more than one time I'd judge our volume went from outdoor-voice to obnoxious. I don't even care, it was a hysterically good time. Sashley tried to eat Jen's blue cheese crumbles, our waiter looked like Ron Weasley, and a girl at another table kept looked down my blouse without even trying to be inconspicuous! Our conversations ranged from nonsense to sharing imagination and I even told Sashley quite a bit about Shamahley...it was an awesome night.

2.) For the time being at least I have a new kitten. A tiny teeny tortoise shell who I've only just named Annabelle. We call her Annie, Lil Bit or Small Fry for short. She is 100% feral and a hilarious joy to have in the house. She's young, about 5 weeks old so she's adapting to us very very well. She slept in a blanket in Jen's arms most the afternoon and this evening she slept in my pocket for about 1/2 hour. It adorable. She's just trusting us enough to play with us and realize that she gets lonely when we aren't with her. She's barricaded in the hallway right now and if she can't see or hear us she MEW MEW MEW MEWs and as soon as we come she's like HISS HISS HISS HISS because she is feral and still so scared. But she has not lashed out at me yet, its amazing. It is so awe-inspiring to watch her trusting us. I can't wait to hear her purr, I'll probably get teary! Right now its not my immediate plan to actually keep her. Bella is very jealous and feels very left out. She even tried to bite me today, she never does that. Bella is a very "one cat household" kitty and I totally respect that. The only way I will keep Annie is if she turns out to be a "one person cat" and can't adapt well to a new family. My hope is that I can get her well adjusted so that I can find a great furr-ever home for her.

3.) Becoming the famous author you all know I will be ;o) Today I researched ALL DAY LONG about query letters and the whole process, from how to gracefully accept a rejection letter (one unpublished author recommends setting a rejection letter goal: her personal goal is 100.) to how long it can potentially be from the time an agent accepts your full manuscript. Then there are revisions and etc and hopefully a publisher will buy it. I am excited to get to that point, but for now I just need to focus on finishing The Heart of Shamahley and editing it and revising it myself. I need about 36,000 words to bump it up to 100k and that seems to be a good number for publishing a fantasy. I could probably write 200k and if it ends up being that long I'll break it into two novels, something I'd toyed with anyway.

Aside from the vehicle situation I'm pretty okay with my life right now. As long as Jen doesn't plan on moving to Stillwater this January (which I'm pretty sure she is and she probably won't tell me until December, I mean why give me fair notice? Right?) I feel like I have a good goal in place: Write Last Sunrise in November and until then focus on finished The Heart of Shamahley, and after November I'll start editing it. Before next November I want to start sending out my queries. Plans are GREAT!

Spot on

2008-08-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. You can always do it better, find the exact word, the apt phrase, the leaping simile.

^__ Robert Cormier

Happy Re-Birthday!

2008-08-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've had Bella two years ago today! She's FOUR! I consider this her "re-birth"-day because it was the day she came home with me and ended her life of being abused FOREVER. Of course for some reason my Catster page INSISTS that she's six! Whatever!!

I bought her some treats, she hasn't had any non-diet kitty treats since I put her on her diet so they make her uber happy! And I also bought her two toys for her kitty re-birthday! She also ate a TON of steak but thats only because I turned my back too long HEHE.

I can't BELIEVE how skinny she's gotten compared to that picture! She's like a whole new kitty cat! Yay.

I have two more pieces of news: 1.) I read my nano novel from last year "The Heart of Shamahley" and LOVED IT. LOVED IT. I can't believe I wrote it!! If you'd asked me a month ago I'd have told you it was the worst thing I've ever written! So not. I got CHILLS while reading it today, it was awesome! I'm alive with ideas for editing it...its very exciting.

The second piece of news (Namely, 2.)) is that Doc still hasn't found me a car so until he does I'm going to be driving around a Lincoln Continental. Yeah. Its a boat, not a car ;o) I'm cool with it though. As long as it drives I'm happy as a freakin' clam! It probably won't have a CD player or AC though, boo. Still, totally excited.

The Gunslinger: Oh, Roland he of many whens

2008-08-17T00:25:00.001-07:00

I've started reading The Dark Tower again, I may have mentioned it. I'm just so in love with the story being told and I'm so attached to everyone involved.

I'm reading The Gunslinger right now and within the next handful of pages he will let the boy drop, no matter how much I dread it. There are other worlds, yes, but I remember when I first read this book and I didn't even know it was part of a series and these words of other worlds fell dead in my ears because I just didn't understand.

This series is so underestimated and its so unfair. So many who have read it condemn King for his ending and I can't understand that. Did he not say from the beginning that Ka was a wheel? I was surprised by the end, I won't lie, but it was beautiful in its own way with its many implications. I did not read these seven books to arrive at the end of the journey anyway. In fact I put off reading the last book for a couple of years because I didn't want it to end. The joy was in the journey itself, the joy was in sharing the secret world of Roland and his mismatched Ka-tet and even though most of them meet fates that leave me in tears I know they'll still be there full of life every time I re-open these books and I'm only about a hundred or two pages away from meeting Eddie Dean again, my favorite character in any book I've ever read. I can't wait. Even though it means Jake dying to get there. I also know that only a few hundred pages lie between his rebirth into Roland's world. Because, as he keeps telling us, Ka is a wheel. And of course, Jake is a major part of Roland's Ka.

*sigh*

I know, I'm a geek sometimes, but everyone has that one book, or that one series, you know? The one that draws them in and wraps them up and refuses to let them go. Thats what The Dark Tower is for me.

Some better, some worse

2008-08-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

So, some better. Doc is helping me out with my car. He's helping me find something outside of a dealer that he will purchase and I will make bi-weekly payments on. The only drawback that I can readily foresee is that this won't go towards a better credit rating for me. I'm going to pay off a semi-hefty loan and its going to do nothing for me, you know? That isn't even something I'm going to focus on though because this is just the most amazing thing that has happened for me in a really long time. I have never, repeat never been the girl that things just "work out" for. I always have problems, I always have obstacles, I always have some huge stone to move from my path, you know? So its just so unreal to me. This is help, this is what it feels like when things work out. Its an alien feeling and I'm holding on to this relief with an iron fist. Last night I slept better than I have in months, and I ate a real meal, and I've been smiling. Doc is an amazing man, I can hardly comprehend his greatness. Who in our world is so innately good anymore? Its like fresh air, spring after a cold winter and all of that.

The worse. About an hour after Doc and I talked I learned that my great grandfather who had heart surgery (two actually) Thursday was recovering from the surgery wonderfully and that was great. Unfortunately a routine MRI uncovered 4 malignant tumors that are believed to be very similar to the cancer my grandma has been fighting tooth and nail for about ten long years. This shows that my mothers side of the family has a genetic predisposition to this particular blood cancer. That is extremely scary. My grandmother found all this out about her dad while she was in the hospital doing her last round of chemo before getting her own MRI to check on her tumors. As soon as he's well enough we're moving him from Idaho to California to live the rest of his life as the doctors have decided that he's too old to put him through Chemo. As soon as he's there and settled I'm going to fly out and visit because this will be the last time I see him and he's just been such an important part of my life. He's so incredible, and strong, and free. Its so unfair. His soul is still so full of life and his body is giving up on that unimaginable life force. Its so damn unfair.

I am going to miss him like you can't believe, but I will handle it. Its cancer, I have some practice accepting that. Cancer I can handle (as long as its not me anyway).

UGH!! (and other frustrated words)

2008-08-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

It is really getting down to the wire (a week from today!) with the whole car thing. I have been turned down so many times I have officially lost count. Okay, my credit score sucks. I get that, I know, bad Amanda. It is my fault, I take responsibility. But that doesn't mean that I can't get stressed to the effing max about the fact that I apparently can't qualify for a decent car period. How is it going to affect my credit score when the only place I can get to finance me will only finance me for a 1990 car that has about 180k miles on it. They are going to charge me $300 bucks a month for this car which is absolutely ridiculous. What is the probability that this car will actually run for the 2 1/2 years my loan is for? Pretty much zilch. So how is this going to affect my credit when I am suddenly being forced to pay for a car that went belly up? GR. I just feel like I have put SO MUCH into making my life better for myself and I feel like I fail at every turn. Its incredibly frustrating.

I emailed a sales person at Carmax this evening and told them my credit score to see if they could work with it, we'll see... the thing is, i don't even know how to improve my score. I pay my cards early or on time and I try really hard to pay over the minimum, what more can I do?

I found a lump on Jen's cat this evening. I was holding him and it was right on his side where Bella's was...Rabies on right. I'm guessing its a reaction to the rabies vaccine, which Bella's was also, and if that is the case it needs to come off ASAP. I'm taking him in on Monday and we aren't going to feed him tomorrow night in case we end up having enough time to fit him in. How scary, right? Two vaccine reaction kitties in the same house? I thought it was supposed to be rare. Its not, its not as rare as people are lead to believe and the number of dogs I'd seen with autoimmune disease from vaccines is just mind boggling. I have come to the decision that vaccinating your animals is almost too risky. I mean, if it goes outside, keep it up to date on Lepto and heartworm preventative but outside that? Screw it. I won't vaccinate another animal I have after their baby shots. Its so not worth it!

I'm going to watch 300 then off to sleep!!

Justin and JLi

2008-08-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

A really good friend of mine from CA, Justin, called me a weekend or two ago and announced that he was in the end stages of his divorce. I mean, I hadn't talked to this guy in about a year and I didn't honestly know he'd even been married! This is the same Justin who convinced JLi to get married that one time they were in Vegas (yeah he didn't even know the girl, remember?). I guess he didn't know the girl that well before they got married and once they moved in together she turned out to be this horrible mooch and yadda yadda, whatever. I was not really shocked, per say, about him getting divorced, I was shocked that he actually got married! He was the one who had a different girlfriend weekly. Him settle down? Nah. I've been talking to him almost daily here lately, ever since he called a couple weeks ago. I still have a teeny crush on him, he's uber hot and just awesome. He's funny, and musical, and hot. Perfect. Plus, he's a Dark Tower fan! If he weren't so flighty and indecisive he'd be perfect!

I haven't done much of anything today. We're watching neighbor Jake's dogs, Turk and Commala, and their Dobie (Commala) had MAJORRR diarrhea all over their dining room last night. So I spent a half hour or so getting that cleaned up. Ew. It sucked, but whatever, had to get done. Both of their dogs are super cute and sweet.

Other than showering and laundry I'm not planning on doing anything else today. Yesterday was an exhausting day. I swam alot and got super tired so today I'm a lazy bum! Bella's driving me nuts though. I think she's just hot and uncomfortable, but she's acting totally off. Whatever, she'll be fine ;o)

Fabulously Friday

2008-08-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

Friday happy dance time!! *dance dance dance dance*

We have a new receptionist at work, her name is Ashley, but I call her Sashley, just for fun ;o) She is hilarious, I love her already! I really hope that she'll stay with us for a while, we've kind of had hard luck with receptionists lately :o\ Its not even our fault though, and the temp agency just keeps sending them so I guess its all good. This one is awesome though. She's funny, upbeat and really competent at the job, which kind of comes in handy. I don't know about our existing receptionist though, she's going through a divorce and she's changing her attitude alot. More than one person have said something about it to me and I have to agree. She's been "separated" about a month or two now and she's already got a "boyfriend", she's slept around and just, UGH. Drama from her is nonstop and I feel like she feeds off it. That is never good in a small office!

I have a friend who's going through a divorce right now and he seems to be just really...down. I mean, of course he would be, but he lives far and I don't really know what to say to him to help him through this hard time. He is an amazing guy (who actually admits his own faults in the marriage, THAT is hard to find!) who was totally taken for granted. I'm very sad for him that this is happening because I know its just not ever what he wanted but after the way she treated him I can't say I'm sorry that it is happening. I think he's going to be happy, at least I truly hope he is, he just has to heal through the hard parts. :o( I wish I knew what to say and how to help him. There have been several instances that he's helped me immensely, I wish I could return the favor.

Bella still seems to be trucking, although we did not have any production yesterday, gr. I gave her some Lactulose last night and I had a small sample in her box this evening. We'll see. Hopefully we can get through the weekend without any vomiting! I'd consider it a success ;o)

Enjoy your weekends!

Bella, REALLY?

2008-07-31T16:55:00.001-07:00

As I write this she is perched (all eleven flabby pounds of her) on my shoulders, she is purring and rubbing and crying and purring and rubbing and crying. Do you know what she wants? To be held. Yes, that is all she wants these last couple days!

Take last night for instance. She crawled into my arms and I was glad to snuggle, but every single time I drifted off she's start crying and pawing at my face! REALLY? Eventually I was so tired that I started to drift off with my mouth open and she put her paw in my mouth. Now she's an attention WHORE but this is extreme even for her! I love it! I'm exhausted, but I love it ;o)

Work was absolutely exhausting today. More so than usual and I don't even know why. I didn't really get a lunch break, we were doing the surgery thing until weeeell after 1pm and then when I did finally get a second to breathe the alarm guys were there testing the fire alarm so it was so loud!

We do have this adorable kitten for adoption right now though. Her name is Kahlia (its supposed to mean something like "bright" in Hawaiian, don't ask I didn't name her!) but I just call her Lia. She's so cute its unreal! I do have some pictures of her but I left my cell at work. Poo. The kitten pictured above is Huey, one of my favorite kittens we've had for adoption. He was adopted about a year ago, I bet he's GIANT now!!

I've been around

2008-07-30T18:27:00.001-07:00

No, I hadn't completely forgotten about blogspot but I've been avoiding the site like the plague. Both my blog sites actually. Even my Open Diary that I've had for years has been sitting mostly vacant because I can't be bothered to write. Its so unlike me but I've really needed some time to myself just lately. I guess I'll do some bullets to get the update done quicker.

Bella. Ever since my family left she's been sick off and on. I honestly thought we had her constipation issue figured out and it was such an amazing relief, you just can't know. Her getting as sick as she did as quick as she did kind of threw me for a loop and since I wasn't expected or prepared it really weighed me down. I mean not that I needed something else to stress about, right? For the time being she does seem to be on the mend but I'm not going to take it too seriously because we all know I've been here before.

I still don't have a car but I will in like two weeks. I'm silly scared, I've never had a car payment. I have been stressing hard CORE about coming up with the $1,600 that I need for the down payment/insurance startup fee/tags. I know that to some of you its a paltry sum, but to me its huge, almost insurmountable. I love my job more than most people even imagine they could love a job but that price I pay for that job is being paid a great deal less than I need to live on. But I couldn't imagine doing anything else except writing and these days I don't even have time for that anymore. Wait, did I get sidetracked? Oh right, car. Yeah so I should have one in three weekends, scary great.

Roommate. Need I say more? Nosy intrusions, etc. Too tired to hash it out here.

Some of the people in my life have been stressing me about when I'm getting married and when I'll start having kids. The answer is, I just don't know. I honestly thought I'd be there by now but when Jeremy proposed and I freaked out I decided that I wasn't ready. Okay well that was 4 years ago. Gr. I was fickle and indecisive and young and now I'm getting older and I feel like an idiot for saying no and I'm too "proud" (whatever that really means anyway) to go back to him. Not even really sure that I would want to. I don't think its anyone's business why I'm not dating anyone (do I NEED more stress in my life? And even the best guy is still a little stressful) or why I don't have kids. I'm 23. (Holy shit, it just occured to me how dangerously close I am to 24) Give me a freakin' break.

Family. Still not speaking to my mother. I still feel completely nakedly betrayed by her. Grandma is sick-sick. The kind of sick that means there will probably be a funeral soon and I'll be on a jet to CA asap. I love my grandmother so much and I'm going to miss her like you wouldn't believe but I can't go to CA. I can't take time off work. I'm too stressed and too strapped. Gr!

I guess thats it. Stress Stress Stress. Annoying really. Believe it or not even with all these things I'm feeling pretty darn OKAY lately.

I'm thinking about picking up The Dark Tower again. I've got the Calla Speak in my head.

Thank ya big big. Long days and pleasant nights.

Parvo, ugh.

2008-02-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

We've got a bona-fide case of Parvo at the hospital this week and let me just say now (for the record and all) that before anything else I might say I really do feel for this puppy and I feel so badly that he feels so terrible. I want nothing more than a full recovery for him.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way.

Parvo is absolutely disgusting. The worst. I mean honestly, think of the absolute worst smell you've ever been unfortunate enough to come across in your life. Pretty bad, eh? Yeah okay take that smell, add some rotting fish guts, a pinch of spoiled skunk and a smear of anal glands for good measure and your awful concoction still will not even come close to the horrid stench that is Parvo. I once wrote an ode to Parvo at a time when we had two cases in hospital at once. One specific line stated, with utmost conviction, "When it comes to odor, your the worst by far. I'd rather rub my nose on the floor of a bar." Yeah, its that bad and I have to deal with it all day. Ew.

Other than that nothing much has been going on, I'm pretty boring lately it seems. I'm just about ready to buy a car, I just need one more paycheck to take from so that I can ensure that I have enough to start up an insurance policy. Damn insurance :o\ I'm just about decided on a Toyota Corolla, by the way. I guess I'm okay with it, its just definitely not what I thought I'd be getting.

What I'm doing

2008-01-26T10:30:00.001-08:00

First and foremost I want to get this out of the way: the living room before:

and this is the living room now that we're done:

I don't have any other pictures of the "finished" product because I'm still in the "design" stage of the kitchen and bedrooms, though I'm nearly done with Jen's.

So friends and family have been clamoring for a "where is she now!" update since so much has gone on in the last six months or so and I'm not great at responding to email or returning calls :oX sorry.

Obviously, as hopefully everyone knows, I'm still in Tulsa. Aside from it being colder than ass its good here. We're just thawing from that wicked ice storm that knocked us down and my yard is literally COVERED in trees. So far we've lost thee 100 year old trees and we haven't even assessed the damage in our back and side yards. I took pictures the day we took the trees down, I'll have to post them someday (ha!)...

I'm still working as a vet tech and I still love it, though admitedly some days are more difficult than others. Most recently a favorites client's 10yro Huskie-Australian Shepherd cross was diagnosed with an advanced stage of Lymophosarcoma, basically non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Its is a terminal cancer, though has a good rate of temporary remission so she should have good quality of life soon, if only for a little white :o(

Currently we also have a male cat in-hospital that presented with urinary blockage so we placed a cathetar and did some blood work, came back positive for FIV, which is Feline Immuno-deficiency Virus, feline aids. They aren't entirely sure how or why it presented as a blockage and it could be that it is a separate issue all together. As of yesterday his owner was giving him one more day to improve before making the difficult decision to euthanize because he is somehow bleeding-out from within his bladder. Its very sad.

Usually speaking though when things like this happen over and over, one after the other, there is always one incredible case that reminds me why I love this job so much, like the time we did a c-section on a dog and her puppies were failing and I literally breathed life into them with my own breath, so moving. So I'm just waiting for something like that.

On the personal front, I'm not dating anyone right now. Its kind of hard to find time to go out when you work 60 hours a week and also difficult to meet anyone working so much :o( I do have two people I'm pretty interested in though, we'll see how that plays out over the next few weeks. I feel like I need to get my own life in order though, before I bring some one new into it. I'm still a little messed up over you-know-who.

I'm about | | this close to getting a new (well new to me at least) car. I'm still totally upset about having to make payments on it but I'm hoping that I can find a decent 4d sedan for under 10k and everyone at work seems to think I can. I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me what I drove (odd question out of nowhere I might add) and I told them that my car broke down 4 months ago and I just hadn't replaced it yet and she goes "What?! Are serious? I couldn't live without a car! I have three." I think my eyes popped out of my head. People like that piss me off, royally. I work myself to the fucking bone for what I have and people who lucked into their money and don't appreciate it drive me insane. Even if I could afford it I wouldn't have three cars! Just two! *laugh* Well one with four wheel drive for the crazy winters here, and one for regular driving!

Now that I'm on the subject of money and having lots of it VS me... I did complete my goal for last years NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) I reached 50,577 by the non-existant hair on my chin, on November 28th. I continued writing though until 11:45pm on November thirtieth and reached my highest word count for nano yet: 63,401 thats like 13,401 words OVER the number you need. I was pretty proud of myself. It was my third time participating and my (if I do say so myself) worst novel ever. I wrote You'll be Okay for 2005 and Franklin's Bell for 2006. Last year, 2007, it was The Heart of Shamahley and man did it blow. It was more of a fantasy novel, set in a land I made up (Shamahley) and it was a great story line! The execution? Not so much! It was a good exercise though, in pushing my ability. I thought it would be more fun to write than it was.

I'm working on an intrim novel that I won't say too much about, except to say that its abot an Author, an Agent and a Stalker. It will be breaking away from what I'm comfortable writing which could be good or bad as I discovered in November :o) I have high hopes for it though and I plan on spending the time it takes to make it mistake free and eliminating all plot inconsitencies so that I can *gasp* finally write my queries and get published. Cross your fingers for me, its something I've always wanted and never even had the courage to think about.

Other than that I can't think of much going on in my life. I'm only 23 but I live like a freakin' 80 yro. I miss my friends in CA and all the fun we had. That being said I was looking at the Rancho alums on myspace and I was shocked how many stayed in Rohnert Park. I left in '05 and I've only been back a handful of times. I miss my friends but the town couldn't offer me what I wanted.

So I guess thats all! Time to shower, get dressed and get down to the nitty-gritty of cleaning and organizing the distaster that poses as a bedroom!

In Black & White

2008-01-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

Jen and my house is pretty loosely themed. Our kitchen is a retro mess that we haven't touched but our living room, dining room and hall way (when we're done painting at least!) blend seamlessly. Our bathroom is a powder-blue and chocolate. I had originally decided to do a black and white elegant-chic room and Jen decided she wanted black and white too. So they'll be totally different, but they'll both be black and white. So far, though slowly, they're both coming together really really nicely. I think all I need still for mine is some fabric to make the curtains, cushions for my bench and chair (that I don't have yet!), a small table for my computer and a chair for that along with some black and white fabric to make throw pillows with.

One of my Christmas presents was a sewing machine so now I'm Holly-effing-hobby! I had the skill before, but a means to get it done in a reasonable amount of time so now that I have a machine my mind is a flutter with ideas for projects! I can't wait to have money for fabric so I can get started already!!

I really think that our rooms are going to be gorgeous when we're done. I know that black and white sounds depressing but it won't be...they're going to be elegant but comfortable!

too true.

2008-01-22T19:24:00.001-08:00

"You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."

"A good book should leave you... slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it."

-source unknown

The Lock Doc

2008-01-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

Oh drama at work, you'll never know. I'm going to give you the very brief nut-shell idea of whats been going on with bullets and then tell you my dilemma.

my boss hasn't said more than 3 words to me a day, unless he's criticizing me, for about 5 weeks now. for some unknown reason he's decided to actually hate me.
the receptionists are having trouble with the weekend crew, mainly Bill (the guy I hung out with for a couple months) and Novis. They are treating the receptionists VERY badly and outright ignoring them alot of the time and the receptionists end up getting talked to by the Doctors when things don't go right but if the boys had listened things would have been fine.
Bill got in trouble last weekend for being verbally and *gasp* physically abusive to a very old dog in front of it's owner.

the dog wouldn't get on the scale so Bill was shoving it and kicking it and cursing at it IN FRONT OF THE OWNER. now I'm not saying this behavior would be acceptable behind the owner's back, but seriously! the owner obviously complained to Dr. P and after some cremation drama (getting to it!) Doc is really angry at the world. Did I mention that Bill is an alcoholic who comes to work hungover every day he's there? And he's late by 15-30 minutes every Saturday?

Pet's At Peace is only one of the two cremation companies we offer. well about 5 or 6 weeks back a lady came from Pets At Peace to drop off the ashes for one of our clients and as she was pulling out she hit another client's car HARD and peeled out of the driveway. she got stuck in traffic right outside the hospital and saw one of the receptionists checking out the damage, realized she'd seen it and came back to apologize. since then we've chosen not to use them anymore since if their employee is willing to hit and run can we trust them with our client's animal's remains? No.

Pets at Peace has "on accident" lost one of our client's animal's remains. they did this, for the first time, after they found out we'd no longer be recomending them. Holy Crap. They're holding Venus Rhoades hostage!!

ANYWAY to make an already LONG entry shorter, Doc, finding out about the Venus thing and the Bill thing on the same day was really really pissed off.

Yesterday they finally celebrated my birthday at the office. They got me a funny card (which everyone but Bill signed) and a cookie cake and treated me to any lunch I wanted. After we finished celebrating Linda, the office manager looks from Doc, the owner, to Chris, my boss, and said "Chris why don't you talk to Doc about that thing." Chris then looks at me and then to Linda and says with a hint of an uncomfortable smile "Okay, well he kinda already knows most of it." I was puzzled but didn't think too much of it until today.

In the middle of surgery I went up to the front of the office to give the receptionist an empty pill bottle so she could order us some more. She had a handful of keys. (When every some one quits or gets fired Doc changes the locks) She was handing a key to Dr. Miller and didn't give me one. I was shocked! Why wouldn't she give me a key?

I do my job. I'm there 15-20 minutes early every day and I start working when I get there even though I don't get paid until 7:30am. I am DAMN good at my job and every client who walks in the door loves me and alot of them are starting to ask for me by name. I have had three people tell me that after bad experiences with our boarding they only continue to come back with their animals because of the level of care I give their pets. I treat every one's pet as my own.

Aside from Chris every one else at the practice gets along with me. I do whats asked of me the first time and I do it with a positive attitude. Like this, literally! Dr. P will asked "Hey Amanda, can you fill this script for me?" and I'll say "Of course Dr. P! I'd love to!" and I say it funny and sunny and happy, even when I don't feel any of those things. Its funny when I say it because its obviously and exaggeration, but it always makes everyone laugh. Even unpleasant things. "Hey Amanda, can you set up this fecal (poo!! ew!!) sample for us!" and I'll take it "I can't wait!" but I don't say it rude or sarcastic. I say it with a smile. I mean, obviously I don't like poop. Ew. But still, a smile counts for something!!

Okay, I'm venting. I ended up getting a key but only Pam, the receptionist knows I got one. I'm seriously worried that I'm the one getting fired just because of how Chris is acting. I mean reading all that above, logically, it would be Bill, right? I mean I am always paranoid about getting fired so logically I know its probably not me but my boss seems like he actually hates me so I don't know. Plus his daughter wants a full time job at the clinic and I have one and she only works 2 days a week.

I don't know. Am I being retarded?

Its just alot.

2008-01-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

Thats Jackson, the kitty that I was talking about a couple of days ago. He was acting so much better today but he doesn't look better. His weird necrotic sores are worse and neither of the doctors know what it is. Its very frustrating because if any cat was going to get better it should be (BELLA!) this kitty. He's an amazingly individual kitty and his owner takes such good care of him. They need and deserve a breakthrough. We're biopsying it tomorrow.

Other than that not a whole hell of a lot is going on in my life, its just all the internal stuff I'm mulling through right now. Its not pretty my friends, not pretty at all.

S.A.D.

2008-01-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

I spent a few hours researching SAD last weekend and after observing my behavior and tendencies this week I truly believe that I suffer from the disorder. I've always wondered and speculated, but now I'm almost certain.

I don't feel like I can face or handle anything right now. Its really really terrible.

Finally Friday

2008-01-04T23:06:00.001-08:00

I couldn't be happier that the weekend is here. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and I only had to work three days this week and last. I don't know what I'll do next week; I've gotten so spoiled! Nothing much has happened this week.

One of my favorite cats that comes to our hospital, Jackson, is there now and he's really sick. When his owner came in with him on *thinks* Wednesday (I think!) I really thought (yep, wednesday!) he would have passed away by the time I walked in on Thursday morning. See, thats the part of my job that I hate. I get to spend all this time with these awesome animals and I get attached to them and then eventually I have to see them die. And sometimes I don't just have to see them die, I have to help them die. Its so hard. I won't be able to do it if it comes to that with Jackson, really not. He's just such a COOL cat. There is only one sentence that can describe this cat: He's Jackson. No really. He's just got his own little personality, very very distinct likes and dislikes. I think he knows we're trying to help him, he's being very tolerant with us. We are doing absolutely everything possible for this guy, but he's only responding in attitude and not anything substantial or measurable. He ate a tiny bit today, but not enough. I am worried that if he's still there on Monday I'll have to force feed him. That will NOT be easy or fun but I WILL do it. I feel like thats part of what I agreed to do when I took this job. I will do anything that I can for these animals. And as much as that helps me in my job it also hinders me because I treat every single animal that comes through the door as my own and it hurts more when they're gone, but it also feels better when they get to go home. Even though Lilly relapsed and died I know that I made a difference in not only her life, but in the lives of her owners. I would want the same for Bella.

Other than that nothing is really going on in my life. Jenna and I are trying to maintain a very strained friendship but we've been friends for so long it wouldn't just be losing a friend if we gave up, it would be losing a sister and neither of us could handle that.

I have some pictures to post!

Okay this first picture is Bella in her Christmas dress, her favorite fish under her paws, right after opening her stocking on Christmas morning.

this is her in her playmate shirt; a gift to her from my mom. ignore the crap under our table. I don't know what it is, looks like a towel or something. I couldn't tell you since its not there anymore.

this picture is a picture of what i would say is pretty much a typical afternoon at the hospital. that's Dr. P listening to a book on tape, reading a comic and waiting for his game to load on his laptop. chilling with him, behind the laptop, is wilbur, one of the office cats.

last but not least is a picture of the biggest cat i've ever seen. ignore my hideousness. i'm sick and i have to wear my hair pulled back completely out of my face at work. add to that the fact that my scrub top is about (literally) 2 sizes too big and you get one very stumpy looking me! cell pics suck, y'all know i don't really look like that. in the first pic the guy behind me is Doc, the owner of the clinic. he's not short, just stooping down to pose with me and Toby. cat's 27lbs btw.

Oh, new year!

2008-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

2007 was a really hard year for me and not for any real specific reason. It was just sort of a culmination of everything at once and it all became to much that I just couldn't handle it anymore. Its been a long time since I've felt that way.

I am sincerely hoping that this year will be better because if it's not I honestly don't know just how much more of this I can take!

...

2008-01-01T01:10:00.000-08:00

i don't know what to do.

Oh Eight

2007-12-30T23:45:00.001-08:00

I honestly can't believe that tomorrow is New Years Eve. Last year flew by so quickly that its all just surreal to me right now. I don't really feel like this whole last year happened at all.

Jen's back from California now. She's such a peach. Just like every time she comes back from California today was full of her talk of moving back and how she just misses it so much...blah-blah blah-blah blah. Really. Why not just try being happy that this is her third trip home this year, an average of 8 days each time. That is one entire month spent in California this year. Thats alot of time, in my humble opinion of course. I spent 7 days, one whole wonderful week, with my family this year. One week.

I think that her problem here stems from her unhealthy attachment to her family and her crippling fear of death. Losing a family member has got to be the hardest thing I've ever experienced but you can't quit living just because it was their time to go, nor can you quit living for fear that some one else you love might die. Every body on this planet is going to die. Its the saddest part of living; no matter what you do it always ends the same. So live now. Don't move 1,800 miles back home just to cling to your family so hard so that you can be even more unhealthily depressed when they do, inevitably, pass away! I get that family is important, I would love to spend more time with mine but the truth is simple: Neither of us can afford to live in California.

What would she do if she moved back? Live with her mom for starters, and probably would until she died or got married, whichever came first, and secondly she would start working for her grandparents again because its safe and comfortable and she wouldn't have to work for it. Forget that her grandparents already employ her 17 year old sister and her mother and they themselves struggle with money. Because its all about holding on, remember?

She asked today if she could come and visit when she moved back and I have to say I was shocked. I told her yes, but the truth is I couldn't let her. If she moves back, which I never doubted she would, it would be for all the wrong reasons and I would lose any respect I have for her. My disappointment would run so deep that I just couldn't have her in my house, let alone see or talk to her.

And honestly, who knows if I could even make it on my own here. I would be so strapped for money that I don't know if I could honestly make ends meet. So much so that if I couldn't find a better job I might be forced to find refuge back in California as well and if I had to move back because of her cowardice I don't know that that is something that I could forgive.

I don't honestly know what 2008 holds but it doesn't look promising. I am worried that I face not only being forced from the place I've made my home, but also the ultimate loss of a ten-year friendship. :o\

Another day, another lesson learned

2007-12-28T23:18:00.002-08:00

Tone deaf-ness is a terribly ugly thing that I never believe that I suffered from, until tonight. Unfortunately for those around me I love to sing and plan to continue regardless of my apparent inability to carry a tune. Still, for my birthday I bought myself a new-fangled Karaoke machine that is really just a microphone that plugs into your television. I thought it would donate some good times to my boredom whilst I'm home alone. I was right and wrong.

While it did give me a healthy and fun activity for about fifteen minutes it also dashed all my repressed dreams of ever becoming a super famous rock star because of this one simple fact: I cannot sing. And its okay, I've come to terms with it. Unfortunately for myself, and anyone who inadvertently comes a crossed it, I labored under the false impression that it might be fun to video tape my make-shift rock show. Mistake number one.

Then I decided, once the couple of songs were over, to watch said video recording thus leading me to mistake number two. It was horrendous and I sat here appalled as poor Bella actually flattened her ears against her furry little head. After spending a moment in dreaded silence I picked my jaw up off the floor, recorded over the songs I'd just massacred and put the video tape back, inconspicuously, on the shelf. Now only those few who happen across this blog entry will know of the horridness that was this experience.

Now, don't for a second think that any of the above will ward off future use of this nifty little device as I plan to sing loud and often because whether you sing well or poor its still alot of fun.

On not going home

2007-12-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

Well I actually survived yet another birthday, which means that yours truly is now a whopping twenty-three years old. Seven years until the big three-oh. Can you believe that? I know I can't because seven years ago I was sixteen. Sixteen. And sixteen doesn't seem that long ago at all. I think its time I made the conscious decision not to turn thirty. No, really!

All joking aside my birthday really did go alright. I mean yeah, I was alone and it sucked bad, but the peace and quiet was really nice and I stayed in my pajamas all day, which I never do so that was pretty nice.

I just wish I had more to look forward to this year. I keep telling every one that I'll be going home at some point this year but truth be told, I just don't see it happening. My parents have only paid for a ticket one time and to be perfectly honest I'd rather at least ONE of them come see me than to make the trip myself. I mean the odds of them ever seeing my house are slim to none. I lived my life there with them for twenty years, I'd just like them to show some kind of sincere interest in my life here. Whatever.

I've been missing all my friends in California just lately. I had some good ones and here, for the most part, there really isn't anyone for me. I mean there was always Taylor but with that over...*sigh* I don't know. I don't want to move back to California or anything. I'm just tired I guess and life was so much easier back then.

Hope you all had a merry christmas and a happy my birthday.

2007-12-22T18:19:00.001-08:00

Today hasn't really been too bad so far. I had one little rough patch this morning when Jen texted me to let me know she made it to California okay. I really thought I was going to cry just because I'm so bitter that I have to be alone, the one thing my parents promised would never happen, during this special holiday. I was trying to talk to my mom about it this evening and telling her how hard it was to not only be alone for Christmas and my birthday (being the same day and all) but to know that people actually forget about me. Only my grandparents sent a card, and its not about sending anything. Its about remembering. You know what she said? "Its part of being an adult. You get forgotten. Get over it." What?! So suddenly its not okay for me to be sad about being alone on a holiday that is all about being with your family? My mom is impossible sometimes, I don't understand her.

I braved the crowds today and did a little shopping with my bonus for me. I didn't find exactly what I wanted but its was better than nothing at all. Other wise it was very uneventful today. I slept for about an hour around 1pm after being up at 5am to take Jen to the airport and then the mail lady woke me up ringing the bell. And I've been awake since, just half ass cleaning. I expect tomorrow to be much the same ;o)

Oh, brother

2007-12-19T18:24:00.001-08:00

That picture was taken *thinks* gosh, I'd have to say at least five or six years ago on the day that I dyed my brother's mow hawks green without telling my mom. Wow was she surprised ;o) Thats not to say that she was upset, you know being my mother and all. I put her through so much hair-color wise (example! I was 14 in this picture, seems like a lifetime ago) that although she flinched she was pretty stoic about it. My brother and I had so much fun with his hair during this phase of his life and while I was unpacking some boxes tonight I found the framed duplicate of that picture. Of course its in color but for some reason the one on my computer is not. Who knows why anymore really.

My little brother was completely incapable of doing his own mow hawks and I hadn't reached the peak of my rebellion yet and as such my friends-with-crazy-hair phase hadn't quite begun so I was forced to do his hair the only way I could think to: a fresh bottle of Suave Hair Spray and a very old hair dryer. It took me literally about two hours to get his hair to stand up that way and I'd end up with hair spray on my fingers for days. In the months following this picture we dyed his hair pink (the same color as in that picture of me), pink & green, yellow etc. I think that this was when the first eccentric sparks of his unique personality were really born. It takes alot of...gumption....to wear hair like this. Whatever. Now that he's totally normal, I miss his crazy hair.

I miss mine too though. I really do. I went from this crazy pink-hair girl with her tongue pierced to quiet shy me who works in a straight-laced Veterinary Hospital. Screw 9-5's! I went for the 7:30-6pm! Sometimes I can't believe that I am where I am, that I do what I do and that I am, for the most part, happy doing it. I do miss my crazy life as the girlfriend of rockband Jeremy though. It was so much fun, dirty at times, but so fun.

As an aside, I have finished editing the novel I wrote and also just finished reading The DaVinci Code and since I have 2 1/2 hour lunches I really need something else to read. Any suggestions?

Brave Face

2007-12-18T18:49:00.000-08:00

My twenty-third birthday is just around the corner. It is just a week away. In one week I will be twenty-three and to be completely honest my life is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. Not even a little bit. I feel like I haven't accomplished any of the things I should have accomplished by now. I'm working in a job I love under a boss who treats me terribly, I'm single again and with no hope of anything coming soon which means I'll be 30+ by the time I get married and start having kids; something I promised myself I'd have started already by my twenty-third birthday. Yeah, good luck with that one. Somehow I doubt I'll be married and pregnant within the week. Not that I'm rushing it, I wouldn't want it that way. I just want some kind of faith that things really will be okay.

I'm about to embark on my second consecutive ChristmasBirthday to be spent entirely alone. I will wake up on my Twenty-Third Christmas birthday alone. I will see no one on my birthday and I will be lucky if somebody other than my mother calls me or sends me a card because people are so busy on my that day that I am rarely more than a passing thought. I will sit in our living room in my sweats all day watching "A Christmas Story" until I fall asleep in a cold house, alone. I won't even have a cake or candles or the happy birthday song. For the second year in a row.

When I moved to Oklahoma it was with the promise that I would never spend Christmas alone, and I understand that this is my fault because I chose a job that I can't take time off during the holidays because I'm too busy but I told my entire family that it would be the same this year and that all I wanted was one member of my family to be here with me. I've lived here three years and no one has ever visited. What better gift on a ChristmasBirthday than to have a member of my family here. But yet another Christmas has come and I will be alone.

I put on a brave face and say that I like the quiet and that its really not that bad. But the truth is: it IS that bad.

Send her your prayers!

2007-12-03T19:37:00.001-08:00

The doctor told me today that if there isn't a drastic improvement in Bella's health that I should prepare myself for the fact that she may not come home from this. I never really even wanted a kitty in the first place but now that I have her I just really can't imagine my life without her. She is so perfect for me! If she doesn't get better how am I going to face Saturday and Sunday mornings with no Bella to wake me up? For that matter how am I going to sleep without her purring us to sleep beside me? I can't imagine preparing myself to lose her; I'm a wreck. She'll be in the hospital a few more days regardless and I miss her so much that it physically hurts.

Keep her in your prayers you guys, she's not doing well. *sob*

in the days still left

2007-11-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

i feel like i can't really post every thing that i would want to on OD anymore. i feel like people are just done hearing me whine about the same things over and over but right now its all i can think about.

i'm totally happy here in tulsa, but some of the choices i've made have left me wanting to just go home. i feel exhausted all the time and i feel like between working almost 60 hours a week and all the house work there is to do there is no time for me to be me anymore.

i don't have a car anymore so if i want to do something i have to rely on jen all the time and while its great that she's been so amazing about it, its been really hard on me individually. i can't just go anywhere which means that i can't ever really be alone. i get no peace and quiet. i've even fallen dreadfully behind on Nanowrimo, which had never happened before.

i guess i just feel like i don't know what to do right now. i feel like i've lost sight of alot of things that are pretty important to me and i'm not sure what i need to do from here.

Disheartened

2007-10-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today was really not a great day for me personally. I was exhausted from being up too late last night and I worked with my boss' daughter all day. She's a 17 year old "mother" who nabs every negative stereotype of unfit teenage mothers. But thats a story for another day.

I was sort of just grinding along all day feeling down about everything; life in general really. Its been so long since I've felt so fundamentally down it just upset me more to know that I am still capable of this depth of unhappiness. There is just so much going wrong in my life right now that I really feel like I'm not capable of handling it anymore. I have that nervous flighty feeling that I spent most of my teen years battling. It was a punch in the stomach that I was unprepared for. It was a reminder that those years aren't so far behind and I've only come a short way from there. Its so easy to fall back into that hopeless heaviness. And I'm sorry to admit that today I fell that far.

I've been trying to damn hard to be positive, to remember the good in everything and, of course, to believe that something better is always around the corner. (Despite the fact that this has never been true for me. Never.) Its so hard to believe that things will get better when your entire life has been a constant parade of hard times to prove to you that nothing ever does. Get better that is. Nothing. Life is a constant struggle for solid ground and no matter what I do I can't stay steady. Just when I think that everything might be okay for just a little while something else comes along to take away that feeling of temporary security.

I'm just so damn tired and I think that I've had all I can handle. I'm exhausted all the time and people around me that first suggested more sleep have become worried because the girl who always smiled now rarely does. I could sleep all day and all night then wake up just as wasted. No amount of rest could lift this surety that nothing is really going to be okay anymore. I'm too old to run away but too young to feel this hopeless about life.

And if all of this has just been a preview of whats to come I'd rather quit now. I can't take a whole life of this. I really can't. I'm too tired. Its too much.

I can't even find happiness in the things that I love. I cannot find the motivation to prepare myself for Nanowrimo. I have fallen out of love with my story and I just don't care to do it. I just want to break away from this life that has never been a friend and curl up in a little ball and just sleep through November.

Its Monday after all

2007-10-29T18:30:00.001-07:00

Today was your typically average day at Chimney Hills. Work was long, stinky and loud and although parts of it were horribly disgusting I still get to come home feeling that I did made a difference and thats why I do this in the first place.

I've been really hesitant to write in my open diary lately. People have re-discovered my diary and I'm just feeling like even though nothing really big or private is happening in my life right now I just don't want prying eyes to know my day to day activities.

Starting tomorrow we've had to go a week without hot water and last Friday the owner had some one out to fix it. They said it was fixed. It was not. We started trying to get a hold of the land lord Saturday morning and to date haven't heard anything back. Its so damn frustrating and unfair. We've put so much into this house and we've worked so hard to be good tenants and this is how we get treated. I feel like going to the bank, withdrawing all the money for rent and when he comes after us for a returned check telling him that he'll get the rent money when the house is fit to be rented. I mean I realize that this is immature and not worth the fees we'd get slapped with but COME ON. These are the same issues we've had since before the lease was signed. The same issues that we've been told were fixed time and time again. How long do we go without hot water before we're compensated for that? I mean you need hot water.

I'm also just feeling moody and grumpy because I'm on my period. *sigh* I don't know...I just wish things were a little easier right now. I don't know how much more of this I can handle, I really don't.

I've almost reached my limit. Almost.

Exhausting

2007-10-28T18:23:00.001-07:00

Today was a nice relaxing day after yesterday. Yesterday I got up early and started cleaning house right away. I deep cleaned hoping to be able to get it looking REALLY good then take pictures this morning. I spent probably about an hour cleaning before Jen got up then about an hour cleaning inside (with her sitting in the chair just watching me) before she decided to go outside and mess around with the hedge trimmers. Well 4 hours later I'm still elbow deep in juniper while she's just messing around with the rake...how did that happen?!

We ended up getting the front looking pretty good. I trimmed the juniper WAY back and the tree by the house way back at well. I also hosed off the front porch and front of the house and it just looks SO much brighter now!

After I finished outside I came back inside and finished working on the bathroom, hoping that maybe Jen would go in the kitchen and start cleaning since I'd already done everything else. Nope. She sat on her bed talking to her mom for almost an hour while finished the bathroom and started the kitchen. She came out mid kitchen cleaning and just looked at what I was doing and went in and watched TV. What the heck?! When we moved here we had this big long discussion about how we'd HAVE to do all the house work on the weekends, we couldn't let ANYTHING slide and she agreed!

Fast forward to this evening. Jen wants to wash her hair in the sink but won't do it in the kitchen sink because there are dishes in there. HELLO? Do them! I did them all yesterday. Yes, I admit she did some dishes on Friday but that does not absolve her from the rest of the household duties! Yeah, I'm mad. She uses dishes too, she leaves her crap in the living room too. We've lived here over a month has she even once swept or vacuumed? NO. Not even her room. I don't know what to do.

Pictures Pictures Pictures!

2007-10-26T22:55:00.001-07:00

Since you've all been DREADFULLY patient...MOVING PICTURES!

just to remind everyone: before any paint our house looked like:

okay, these aren't "finished" pictures. they're just the primer pictures. i haven't taken any "after" pictures yet!

my room (was red):

jen's room (was blue):

our mess!

moving day!

read the box!

the CLEAN apartment! C'mon we should get ALOT of our deposit back, right?

my room:

my bathroom. the floor isn't dirty, thats just pattern on the linoleum:

jen's room:

living room & kitchen pics:

these are the kitties in the new house:

max in jail!

max finding fresh water! he just waits for it to drip!

max and bella FINALLY getting along on my bed:

and bella, all sacked out, yawning, on the back of the couch:

Soooon I promise there will be photographic evidence of the progress we've made here! I'm actually going to do a video walk through! How fun!! Hope every one had a great week!!

I'm here, here...

2007-10-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

What a long long time it has been since I've had five minutes to myself to sit down here. I don't even have time now! But I figured it was time I did it anyway.

NaNoWriMo is about to start, so yay for that! I have everything all set in my head...just waiting for November 2nd to start! Yeah you read right; November 2nd. I'm going to so Jeff Dunham on the first and I won't be ready to start until the second when I wake up not-so-bright and early the day after the show. I'm still excited for Jeff and his puppets...I'm just sad that it will take missing the first official day of Nano to see him!

So any how, I'm all moved in and almost settled. Just the small matter of unpacking left to accomplish. Oh yeah and painting...but we don't want to think about those things do we? In fact I refuse to write about anything else thats pissing me off or making me sad either. *sigh* there are ALOT of things though.

I hope that soon I'll have some pictures to post. Lord knows there are alot of them its just a matter of me finding hours of free time to resize and up load them and, lets face it, that is just not priority right now!!

Moved!

2007-10-14T10:23:00.001-07:00

I'm here and connected!

Better, thanks

2007-09-06T19:20:00.001-07:00

First and foremost I want to say thank you to everyone who finished and commented on my last entry. I'd been debating on whether or not to write that entry because I hate I told you so noters. Yes, alot of people were right, we did take on too much. But we are not giving up, even when that seems like the easiest thing to do at this point. Things are getting taken care of, things will be okay again and when all of the hard stuff is done Jen and I will be out of the apartment and in our house. No matter what happens or has happened with this whole thing, I am still excited to leave apartment living behind. And when I start feeling like its all too much and I just can't handle it I just have to close my eyes, take a deep breath and think of all the hardships I've triumphed over in my short life. After all of that I will not let this defeat me.

I went over to the house after work today to see if there were 29582479 more dead cockroaches and there weren't any new dead ones in the house and since I hadn't previously gone very far into the basement I'm not sure if there were many more dead down there but there were tons of dead spiders on webs, so yay for that! I had a flashlight with me for the first time in the basement and OMG its so much weirder than I'd originally thought. There is a shower down there and I'm pretty sure its hooked up. Yeah. Your guess is as good as mine ;o) Pretty sure the last thing in the world that I would want is to be naked in that basement. Ew.

I'm quickly closing in on 10k notes and who ever gives me that note will be gifted with a years subscription to OD, assuming they're planning on sticking around that long--if not then 6 months. Also, it really has to be a favorite or a known avid reader. If some random person gives me my 10kth note it'll default to the next person :o)

A whole lotta somethin'

2007-09-05T20:25:00.001-07:00

you're the only one who has
enough of me to break my heart

You know that incredible feeling you get when you realize that all the little pieces of your life are finally falling into place? Okay, well this is absolutely nothing like that. In fact this is the complete polar opposite of that invincible feeling. This is that "what am I going to do, the whole world's against me" feeling; the "no matter what I do something inevitably goes wrong" feeling; the "I'm [almost] ready to give up" feeling.

There is just so much going on in my life right now that I am going crazy. My poor mind can't handle anything, anything, else. Too much is changing! I'm moving 15 miles away (which doesn't seem like much when you think about how the last time I moved it was 1,800 miles) and I'm scared to death that my little car won't make the trip. So much seemed so right about choosing to move right now. It fell just right in our pay periods, we loved the house, we loved the area. I mean it's a house not an apartment! Signing the lease was only the first fell rock in what has turned out to be a landslide.

The house is a disaster. The property management company didn't do a single one of the things they said they were going to do. We walked into a filthy mess that the refused to clean, there was a gas leak, the stove was missing parts that made it legal, the furnace's pilot light was burning yellow and putting of a formaldehyde odor and the water heater didn't work. They turned our gas off and gave us fixit tickets. Then we found out that the toilet didn't flush. Then we found out the shower was broken. Hours later we're covered in dirt and grime from cleaning and our legs and arms are covered in spider bites from the filthy house they supposedly fumigated. Jen and I went out to WalMart and bought some bug bombs. Best/Worst idea ever as it didn't make us feel any better about anything. It just added to our already toppling pile of things we just don't have the energy to deal with anymore.

The day after we set off the bombs we went into the house to see if we killed any bugs. And dear god, did we. There were six dead cockroaches in the house, and four were 2+ inches long. I had to physically kill them because they were still wiggling around. I went into the basement to see if we got any down there and that is when this situation went from bad to something I can't handle any more. I could only go a few feet into the basement before I couldn't take another step without stepping on a roach. They were that thick down there. I was in tears at this point.

That was from Friday night to Monday morning. At that point we'd spent $1,690 on the house. $1,390 was rent and deposit and the rest was cleaning and painting supplies. At that point we'd decided that we wanted out of the lease. We spent all day Monday researching tenant rights in Oklahoma [tenants don't have any, we discovered] and talking to Jen's ex-step dad who is a property manager in CA. This is when we encountered our first ray of hope.

See we have an "Undeliverable Premises" clause in our lease it states (and I'm paraphrasing) "If for any reason the owner/owner's broker are unable to deliver the premises for any reason including, but not limited to, failure of previous tenant to vacate the premises or complete destruction of the premises the signer [thats me] has the right to immediately terminate this agreement without written notice". Jen's ex-step dad said that us not having gas in the house [Read: no stove to cook and the house has no microwave, no hot water (read: showers or dish washing)], not having a working toilet or a working shower and the infestation from the previous tenants should get us out easily on the "Undeliverable Premises". We were excited. At this point we just wanted our money back and to get as far away from that house as humanly possible. But does this story end there? Ohhh no. I'm sure you wish it did so you could stop reading, and I wish it did too, but oooh no. Theres more.

So Jen and I spent the rest of the day coming up with a list of demands. If they weren't willing to unblinkingly grant us these things we were going to let them know that we would be terminating out leasing agreement sighting those things I've stated above. Jen was going to go into their office as soon as the landlord got there. I couldn't go because it was the day after labor day and I knew I wouldn't have even a spare second at work. Our major things on the demand list weren't outrageous or anything. I mean they were just things any reasonable human being would want working in a home.

gas! hot water and the ability to cook food! not to mention heat the house when it gets cold in a month
a working toilet! we might be ladies but we still need to relieve ourselves!
Jen's bedroom door needs to SHUT. I KNOW what she does in there and I DON'T want to see
PEST CONTROL
pro-rate our rent. we should have been able to move in the 1st, thats when we started paying to live there and we CAN'T live there

Are those outrageous? No. Jen went over all those things with our landlord as well as handed her a list from the Oklahoma Landlord and Tenant Act out-lining what qualified as "Uninhabitable". This house clearly qualified. Jen ended her "presentation" by saying: Look, I'm sorry to have to come to you with all these things. I promise we're not trying to be problem tenants! You know what the landlord did? ROLLED HER EYES yeah. She also told Jen that under NO circumstances would we be given pro-rated rent. Jen left her office and called me in tears.

I sat in the back at my work and talked to her for like 1/2 hour and decided that we wanted out of the lease ASAP. No more negotiating. That was when she had to go because the landlord was calling her. They set up pest control to come out the next day (which is now today) and ONG (gas) and a plumber to come out Friday and told her that they wouldn't give us any money back from this month but they would credit us on October's rent for the time until we can move in. Her immediate action locked us into our lease. We have absolutely no choice but to stay. And remember my disgusting description of the size and sheer NUMBER of cockroaches? Oh yeah. After today pest-control is on us. We signed for it in the lease after we were told, in good faith, that the house has been treated and there is no pre-existing pest problem. Yeeeah.

We went over to the house after work to take out the boxes we'd already put in the house because the pest control company told us the fog would would best in a totally empty house and we also wanted to take pictures of every single thing wrong with the house. This included the sea of cockroach carcases in the basement. Only it was gone. Apparently the tide went out because there were only a few bodies littered here and there. Since they were still twitching on Monday I assumed that some hadn't been killed and they scuttled away somewhere. I was freaked out beyond belief.

So today I had to be at the house at 8am. Mind you, my job starts at 7:30am sharp. So I got there at 8am and the guy from Emco Pest Control wasn't there. Of course Jen had told me it was AMco but that only becomes important in a minute. Last night I bought a garden hose, sprayer, garden gloves and hedge trimmers so as I waited I set up the hose on the hose-hanger and hooked it up to the faucet and put the sprayer on. I put on my gloves and went to town on our trees and bushes. Around 8:30 I started to worry that I'd gone a little over-board on the pruning and went inside to sit by the air conditioner and cool off. I'd worked up a sweat! It might have only been 8:30 but it was still 80 some-odd degrees and stickier than a wart-hog's back! I texted Jen to ask if the guy was EVER going to come and she said to wait til 9am and call AMco since he was supposed to be there between 8:30am and 9. So at about 9am I called 411 and asked for Tulsa, OK: AMCO. They had AAmco Transmissions but that was clearly wrong. At 9:05 Jen texted me to tell me he was lost in Broken Arrow. The property manager had given him the wrong address but he was 20 minutes away & on his way. 9:30am and the EMCO truck pulls up. It immediately explained why I couldn't find them using 411. He apologized profusely but I was fine with it because it got me out of my least favorite part of my morning duties. (Reminds me of Chandler "You know, dooties. Poop" haha) He said that he was going to spray the whole house including cupboards and basement and then fog it. Should take 30 minutes. I told him how bad it had been Monday and my concern that the fog we used prior to calling them out hadn't even actually killed the bugs. He told me that they HAD died but that the roaches that hadn't come out of the walls and breathed in the fog (because the stuff you buy in the stores can't get in the walls like the professional stuff) had come out and, get this: eaten the bodies of the cockroaches on the floor. Um there were HUNDREDS dead, how many were still alive to EAT all those...now that I've given EVERY ONE who read this far an insane case of the heebie jeebies (and made Misty glad all she had to deal with were spiders, who do NOT eat their sea of dead)...moving on.

I went to wait in the car and while I was a handy man came around to fix the garage door, yay! I talked to my mom until I saw Henry, the Emco man, come out of the house and come over with papers for me to sign. I left my mom on the phone but put the phone in my breast pocket. I asked him if we would have to worry about respraying next week for all the ones the fog hadn't killed, or if the ones that died today would be eaten tomorrow by their former comrades. He said: Let me put it this way, anything breathing in there today won't be breathing tomorrow. Hahaha.

After he left I was finally able to get to work but I didn't end up getting there until 10:30am, three hours late. And thats pretty much where I am now. We're screwed on pest control. Within 28 days and eggs the existing roaches laid will hatch more babies and we are now responsible for pest control. BUT with the money they're taking off of October's rent we're going to sign up for a years worth of service with Mother Nature's Pest Control. Its a $95 first visit and then $45 a month to spray the outside perimeter of the house and all inside including the basement. $45 a month to stay roach free is a GOOD deal as far as I'm concerned. And Friday the plumbing and gas stuff will be fixed. So move in is still on schedule we're just less excited about it now.

Discouraged

2007-09-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

What a discouraging day. No, really. I don't think I've felt this down in a very long time. At least Dan had some good advice for us :o\

This is a contract is nowhere as in-depth as the ones I used. It is basically
boiler plate. Line 3 of the contract could give you an out. Read the whole
paragraph particularly where it says you have 2 weeks to notify them of any
defects. Go through the house top to bottom. Note every scratch, ding,
stain, chip in the tub or sink, door that stick, water leaks, places where
water has leaked before, check all of the smoke detectors and photograph or
video tape the entire house. Look for mold. Note it down.

Also in the same paragraph the line at the bottom of page one where it
states "In the event the owner or Owner's Broker is unable to deliver
possession of the premises to the tenant for any reason, including, but not
limited to failure of the previous tenant to vacate Premises or partial or
complete destruction of the Premises, Tenant shall have the right to
terminate this Agreement....." You have to assume that the gas leak would
qualify as not being able to deliver a habitable home. This may get you out
of the lease. BUT if you do stay and agree to the repairs you are on the
hook for a year. You may be able to scramble out of it by paying for
advertising to get a tenant to move in the day after you move out but that
could be expensive.

My recommendation is to ask yourselves whether this house will work for you
if everything or MOST everything is in working order. If the answer is yes
then work with the landlord to repair everything and credit you for the days
you are not able to live there. Do NOT tell them you have a month left on
the other place. They could delay fixing things and then drive you to the
point of having to accept the house because you are forced to move from the
one you live in.

If your answer is no, then try and get out with the undeliverable premises
clause based on the gas situation and the left over pests that were not
cleaned prior to you moving in. In the mean time try and find the website
for the State or Federal fair housing commission. HUD (Housing and Urban
Development) would be a good start. They take complaints and follow up on
them. A quality Property Management Company doesn't want a HUD complaint to
be registered against them because it becomes public information and drives
new clients away from them.

This should get you started. But remember: READ THE ENTIRE CONTRACT
Tonight! Every line, paragraph and make sure that all of the disclosures or
handbooks they referenced you received, you actually got!

Good Luck

Time to Prime

2007-09-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today ended up being extremely productive at the Casa De Messes. We cleaned everything except the kitchen and bathroom which means that by this time next week it will all be primed and ready for painting!

Unfortunately our "before" pictures came out pretty well so the pictures we would take now of the cleaned house wouldn't look much different :o\ Oh well, WE can tell how much cleaner it is!

I watched "The Prestige" tonight. 18 thumbs down. Hated it.

Scrub-a-dub-dub

2007-09-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today was our first day of cleaning. We started the day pretty early and were pretty much raring to go by the time we finally finished our shopping (which wasn't until 1pm!) but our zest went kapoot around the time we pulled up into our drive-way. We got out, walked through the house, called ONG and were told that some one would be out to check the gas leak with in the hour. We didn't want to get into our deep cleaning before they got there because we didn't want to have to re-clean anything. So we did nothing for an hour but sit on the front porch and drink water while we waited for the ONG guy to come. He finally came around 3pm.

They turned off the gas to the house. Yeah. Bad news.

So here is my thinking, we deserve some of our rent money back! I mean really! We paid them $700 rent for September 1st through the 30th. Well we can't live there! There isn't any gas. That means: No cooking and no hot water. Forget the fact, if only just for a moment, if you would, that we have only one bathroom and the toilet doesn't even work. Forget the fact as well that they were supposed to fumigate before we moved in and we were killing ugly ass spiders all freakin' day! I'm furious.

Aside from that excitement we really didn't get that much done. We cleaned the whole living room, which includes scrubbing the walls top to bottom, cleaning out all the window sills and polishing the floors. We did the same in my bedroom and left everything else for tomorrow. We really only spent a couple hours cleaning. Maybe three and thats tops. We spent alot of time sitting on the porch with me holding my poor stuffed up head. My ears are all plugged up today and its exquisitely uncomfortable!

We're going back tomorrow to hopefully finish off the kitchen, the dining room, the hall way, the bathroom and Jen's bedroom. I know it's alot but we sort of have a system now and only the kitchen and the bathroom are all that messy. The hall and Jen's room we can sort of breeze through. Its just alot of work and with me being sick it is slow going. We have to be ready to at least prime it next week or we're totally off schedule and we won't be ready to move in three weeks.

Hopefully they'll be ready for us to move. Gr.

I hate:

2007-09-01T18:57:00.002-07:00

D  I  R  T

C O B W E B S

D U S T

S P I D E R S

& & &

BASTARDS WHO CAN'T

PAINT A WINDOW

WITHOUT PAINTING IT

SHUT!!!

Semi-Charmed Life

2007-08-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

Jen and I got our keys to the house today. We were totally psyched until the irresponsible-unreachable receptionist drops the comment, all nonchalant-like, that "the house still smells pretty strong of gas" and that as soon as we had the gas switched into our name the Oklahoma Natural Gas people could come out and inspect it. Pardonnez-moi ? Uh, no. You check it out and then get back to us BEFORE we move in. Yeah, I went there.

So Jen and I went straight to the house after I got off work and we could smell the gas in there. It didn't smell TOO badly in the living room but it reeked in the kitchen. I opened the oven and almost got blown away. Don't freak yet, we aren't moving in for four weeks still so there is PLENTY of time for them to buy us a new stove. Yeah, I went there again, and this time I bought property ;o)

We noticed ALOT tonight that we hadn't before. I'm going to make this a bulleted list for easier reference.

Jen's bedroom door does not close or latch
Toilet doesn't flush, there are pieces missing in the tank
Gas smell, duh
They didn't patch the hole in the wall in Jen's room
They didn't patch the crack in the ceiling in our hallway
Still no basement door
None of the bushes or trees have been trimmed
Garage door still busted

Yeah thats all I can think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there is more. After we left this evening I started feeling really overwhelmed. I was wondering if maybe all these people have been right and it is WAY too big a project for us. But then I have to stop and think about all the people who have doubted us before and we have proved them all wrong. Who really believed that Jen and I would make it to Tulsa? Let alone that we'd thrive here. Every one thought we'd come right back home. Well guess what? Its almost three years later and we're still here, still thriving and we're moving. We have found another place in Tulsa to live. Albeit, our apartment it technically in better shape... I can't care. We've signed the lease, we're doing this. We CAN do this.

Tomorrow we're going over when we get up and we're going to start by washing down the walls to prepare it for the primer (thanks for the tip daddy-O), then we'll sweep and polish the floors. After the floors get their first coat we'll tape the windows and lay out the drop cloth and put our first coat of primer on. While that dries we'll hopefully take a much needed break. We bought KILZ Primer and they say to wait an hour then put on a second coat of primer. So we'll do that, wait another hour and probably do the floors again. Hopefully by that time it'll be a little more inhabitable. Of course we still won't move in until the gas thing is taken care of.

I figured I'd end this with some BEFORE pictures of the house. BEFORE pictures. I know the paint in the front rooms doesn't look that bad in the pictures but it is, TRUST ME.

This picture is standing in the front door way, looking into the living room:

Standing by the fire place looking toward the dining room and front door, TACKY front door, eh?

Looking into the dining room/kitchen

Looking from the kitchen archway into the dinging room & living room

Nasty old kitchen...I KNOW

My room

Jen's room

So thats all for now, maybe I'll take some "primer" pictures and give it to you in a sort of 'here it comes's series ;o)

Wish us LUCK!

Fare thee well, Pere

2007-08-30T18:38:00.001-07:00

Once again we bid farewell to Pere Callahan of the Ka-Tet of Nineteen and Ninety-Nine. He served his Ka-Mates well and he enters the clearing at the end of the path a Gunslinger.

Stupid dead animal guy!

2007-08-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

Even though I was praying for reprieve last night I have ended up pretty sick :o\ Work was mind-numbingly long and difficult seeing as I'm feeling really weak and its such a physical job. My boss told me that Monday when the man came from the city to pick up the dead animals that he said he was just getting over a cold. Tuesday morning I woke up with a sore throat and by Tuesday night I was sick. My boss also asked tonight as I was leaving if he'd see me tomorrow. As terrible as he can be sometimes he really does know when I'm too sick to be there and he's usually pretty good about it. I told him he would see me, that there are only two days left and I'd tough it out as long as he tried extra hard to get Novis to work at least all day Sunday for me. I can do Monday if I have to, but two full days off are really important right now. Especially because...

I get my house key on Friday. FRIDAY. I must say, I never honestly thought this day would come! True, we're only renting but MAN. A house! Its like unbelievable for me! I'm really hating every one telling me what a huge undertaking it will be with all the painting and cleaning we're going to have to do to make it livable. I'm also hating people telling me that they're taking advantage of us because we're young girls. You know what? I don't care what you have to say about it! The deposit? Paid. The lease? Signed. The first months rent? Paid. We're doing this, and we can't wait! So keep your negative thoughts to yourselves and let us be happy about this! We deserve it!

In 48 hours we will, most likely, be in the new house putting up our first load of boxes!!!!

Amanda

Oh, of course!

2007-08-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

According to Murphy's Law, this is the perfect time to catch a cold! You know the week I get my keys to my new house, the week that coincides with a six day work week. Yeeah. Perfect timing.

*pulls hair out*

I know exactly why I'm catching this cold. Its because I was a smart-ass. Yep, you read right. About a week ago I was packing our medicine cabinet. "Hey, you planning on catching a cold in the next month?" I asked Jenna, my roommate, sarcastically. "No?" She answered back. "Yeah, me either!" and with that I threw all of our cold medicine into a box, taped it shut and labeled it "closet stuff". Now I need it and can't find the box. Gr.

Murphy must have been a real asshole.

Amanda

Blogger VS Open Diary

2007-08-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

Since Saturday a few of my Open Diary Favorites have decided to transfer over here due to the immaturity level of the majority of diarists that are on OD. I think it is incredibly unfortunate that people are leaving OD because I feel like the people who make the site worth it are almost all gone and now I'm hanging out there all by my lonesome :o( I just can't see myself actually leaving OD because its been my online home, so to speak, since about '98 and I just thought I wouldn't ever leave. And all of that is not to say that leaving is what I've decided to do; because it's not. I just thought I'd establish myself here in the event that I do choose to come here more often.

It does seem to me that this site is far less user friendly and a lot of the features that I LOVE about Open Diary have nothing comparable here. For instance: for the life of me I cannot figure out how to make a list of "favorite" bloggers. One of my OD Favorites told me that even once you figure it out (and its difficult) that it doesn't let you know when they've updated and that is one of my favorite features at OD especially since, over there, the majority of my 800+ entries are favorites only.

So needless to say I'm just not sure where to start here :o\ Any advice or helpful tips will be welcomed with open arms!

Amanda